Why I Refuse to Date Online
Yes, our confirmation bias can actually limit us in our pursuit of love, depth, and meaningful connections.
These days, swiping seems to be all we Gen Z-ers do.
Like what we see? Swipe right. Don’t like what we see? Hard left. Swiping has become as instantaneous as breathing. Dating seems to only take place in a digital world now, and they say if you don’t download the apps, you may never find “the one”.
Call it old school, naïve, unrealistic, or cliché, but I beg to differ; I don’t want to download the dating apps. Maybe I am a bit of a hopeless romantic - I’ll admit. But I really think that online dating takes away some of the “magic” that takes place in a non-digital, real life interaction. And I’m not just talking about those Hollywoodesque movies where two people coincidentally meet and fall in love the moment they lock eyes (if you’re into that though, check out the movie Serendipity).
Real life, organic interactions take place everyday. Human connection is the foundation of our society and is everywhere around us, whether in a workplace, school, library, restaurant, even on public transit. The same goes for romantic settings — they too can take place anywhere and at anytime, and beauty lies in these organic interactions. But online dating, even in today’s day and age, is not the only way to find love. For some of us, creating a digital dating resume and hoping someone likes what you’ve displayed simply isn’t enough.
We all know photos can be edited and people embellish the truth — it’s a natural human condition to want to promote ourselves on these platforms. But that’s not even the root of the problem. Our brains assess a heavily curated profile of a stranger and we are coerced to make a yes or no decision based on these “presentations”. There’s nothing genuine or authentic about this, and that’s my biggest problem with online dating.
Of course, even on a first date with someone you meet outside of a dating app, we are still presenting our best version of ourselves. We are still trying to make our best impression. The difference is that our brain has not built pre-conceived ideas of who they are or how they should be prior to the date, consciously or not — you are simply taking them at face value, the two of you blank slates in a shared environment.
The difference is that your brain has not built pre-conceived ideas of who they are or how they should be prior to the date, consciously or not — you are simply taking them at face value, the two of you blank slates in a shared environment.
When our brain creates an idea of what an experience will look and feel like, we tend to set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. Yes, our confirmation bias can actually limit us in our pursuit of love, depth, and meaningful connections. Let’s take two scenarios as examples:
- You see his Hinge profile, and he looks like a great match physically: 10/10. He loves dogs, just like you, and he studied biochemical engineering, just like you did. You go on your first date and somehow, there seems to be 0 chemistry at all.
- You see his Hinge profile, and he checks some of your boxes. You have both visited South America and love to travel. But you’re reluctant because he’s not your usual type physically. You go on your first date and have great, in depth conversations yet somehow, you’re confused about how you feel.
So what happened?
In the first scenario, that initial match subconsciously created a high and unrealistic standard for you. Your brain was rooting for him, while in reality, you endured painful, awkward silences in between flat, dull conversations. You find yourself thinking, “But he has to be the one”. You’ve built this idea that it would have to work, that it’s fate, since you have so much in common and he’s exactly your type. You may also question whether it’s you that’s the problem, since this stranger was supposed to be the perfect match for you. Maybe you agree to give it a second, and third, and fourth chance, and you end up waiting and waiting for the chemistry to come, all because your brain has pre-committed you to this so-called match. You risk wasting all of your time and energy all because Hinge helped you establish standards and ideals you could not let go of, as soon as you saw his profile.
Take the second scenario. Here’s someone you’re a little unsure of based on his Hinge profile alone. Before you went on that date, your brain decided that you probably won’t want to make out with him from what you’ve seen so far. But that’s the problem — you hadn’t seen the full picture, only a snapshot. So when you end up having deep, genuine conversation and having a blast, you think your brain may be playing tricks on you: “This can’t be true” or “Am I actually into him?” You start making excuses and creating justifications for how you feel. Would you have had those same doubts if you hadn’t created this idea in your head that he probably won’t be your person, since he’s not your usual type? Likely not. In this case, Hinge has set you up for failure, and you risk losing a potential match made in heaven.
Attraction is complicated. It’s part of the ebbs and flows of life. As human beings, we take information and we synthesize, analyze, and predict. We use information we see on a dating profile to make assumptions and infer what the person will be like in real life.
This isn’t a call to ban dating apps — most certainly not; it’s merely a reminder to be cautious: of the increasing over-reliance on technology and algorithms to determine what’s best for us romantically, of the lies about their height, and of the unrealistic and superficial expectations that your brain creates when you absorb those dating profiles.
Be cautious: of the increasing over-reliance on technology and algorithms to determine what’s best for us romantically, of the lies about their height, and of the unrealistic and superficial expectations that your brain creates when you absorb those dating profiles.
Are “the good ones always taken” or have we just set unrealistic standards in our mind for what your partner should be like? Maybe we just need to check ourselves. Dating and finding a romantic connection always will be a pillar of society. If you want authentic, non-biased romantic sparks, you can have that. That’s why I prefer old school dating: the organic, free-flowing, messy type of dating, removed from potential bias or pre-conceived expectations. If there are any of you remaining out there that feel this same way, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s bring back love at first REAL sight.
