The Dreaded Question, “How Are You Still Single?”
Being single is more than just a behaviour; it’s a mindset. It goes beyond the limitations of what you do or don’t do and into the realm of discovering who you are.
Whenever someone asks, “How are you still single?”, I come armed with defiance. This questions presents me with an opportunity, or better yet, a duty to educate — by challenging their underlying assumption that being single is a dreaded state filled with insecurity, loneliness, disdain and regret.
The question is overused and cliché really, but the true injustice is done when that asker presumes that being single at the grand age of 25 is scornful and undesirable. Perhaps in their own experiences, being single equates with being lonely and miserable. Yet, they’ve projected their internal beliefs on what being single means to them when they ask “How are you still single?”, forgetting the possibility that being single may be someone else’s preferred choice and state of mind. Indeed, being single isn’t necessarily an illness that we’re all trying to escape. The inverse just might be true — some of us crave and desire that will to be totally and utterly free. Being single doesn’t have to mean that you’re unhappy, miserable or lonely. For me, I choose to be single because of the freedom, liberation, and opportunities that come with it.
Being single may be someone else’s preferred choice and state of mind.
When my long-term relationship with my college sweetheart of 5 years ended, I was distraught. My ex-partner, whom I had met at a fraternity party, turned out to shape much of who I am today, from my educational and career choices, to my travel opportunities, to my core values and world perspective. To this day, I’m incredibly grateful for the relationship I was able to build with him, and for the growth I’ve been able to experience and share with another human being.
Nevertheless, I knew in my heart when it came time to close this relationship chapter of my life (and as did he). Maybe I was subconsciously doing a cost-benefit analysis in my relationship, and the costs started to outweigh the benefits. Call it a woman’s intuition or signs from above, but I just knew. We had hit a wall, and what he and I used to be — happy and in love — was no longer the case. We had grown apart. I was emotionally exhausted. I no longer felt respected, cherished, or adored. More importantly, I started to lose my sense of peace, my freedom, and my individuality — the core of who I was.
So while on paper, the end of my long-term relationship was what sparked my single status, I have chosen to be the best single self I can be everyday since my breakup (while being pandemic-compliant and COVID-safe, of course). At the end of the day, there will always be another person whose needs and feelings might take priority over yours when you’re in a relationship. As a single person, I am able to actively choose to better myself, discover myself, and further myself in every aspect of my life.
A reminder for both the gents and the ladies: being single can and should be an active choice — a conscious decision to embrace and enjoy the physical, emotional, and psychological liberation and freedom that may not otherwise be experienced in a monogamous, committed relationship. Being single is more than just aimlessly swiping left and right on a dating app or having a drunken one-night stand with the cutie you met at the local pub. They’re a part of being single, of course — single behaviours, if you will. But being single is more than just a behaviour; being single is a mindset. It goes beyond the limitations of what you do or don’t do and into the realm of discovering who you are. It’s the mentality that anything goes, until you decide otherwise. It’s recognizing the infinite possibilities in the world. It’s understanding that self-exploration and discovery are paramount in our delicate, finite lives. It’s thinking about your own interests, aspirations, and desires — not in a selfish way, but in a self-appreciative, empowering, Gettysburg-like way: government of yourself, by yourself, and for yourself. Self-care matters. How you live, where you spend your time, which relationships you invest in, what brings you joy — nobody but you can dictate this. Being single is freedom in every sense of the word, utterly and completely without restraints.
But being single is more than just a behaviour; being single is a mindset. It goes beyond the limitations of what you do or don’t do and into the realm of discovering who you are.
Like with any experience, it starts by you defining it. You define your liberties, you choose your risk tolerance, and you set your boundaries. Once you challenge society’s preconceived ideas of what being single means and start to define “single” the way you want to, you may start to enjoy the beauties and freedoms that come with being single — true freedom, liberation, and peace.
